Living life...

Sorry for the short hiatus, I am back.  I was getting to a very ugly spot in my journey, a place where I found it difficult to be nice and where I was so ANGRY.  Angry with myself, my body, everyone and everything around me.  I decided not to write during this fit of anger because I didn't want to hurt anyone that I love.  I honestly think through prayer and the support of a new infertility small group I was able to get back in control of my anger.  I don't think I'm done being angry, but I have a better handle on it.

So, what have we been up to over the past few months... some traveling and finishing out the school year.  We went to The Greenbrier last weekend, my husband had a conference to go to and I was able to go and just relax!

We got there Thursday and had a wonderful dinner followed by this amazing banana split!

Friday morning we went to the Gun Club, my husband loves to shoot sporting clays and has made this a tradition.  I was able to join, but I did not shoot.  Having that much power in my hands is really frightening.  I had a great time hanging out with my husband and father-in-law that morning before their conference.

During their conference, I went to the pool for the day, followed by afternoon tea and a second amazing  dinner.  The Greenbrier really does know how to do food!

On Saturday, I was able to spend the entire morning and some of the afternoon at the spa.  I really am one lucky girl!  I had a massage followed by a facial all while being pampered by the awesome staff! You check in before your appointment, sit in a "relaxing" room and then go back for your treatments. After your treatments (or between) you can use the steam shower or sauna, it is so wonderful!  Here are some pictures from the relaxation room.

Okay, back to the issue at hand. Infertility.  Let me offer some advice to anyone out there who may be reading this and not going through infertility.  NEVER, EVER, EVER ask a woman when or if she is going to have a baby or another baby.  JUST DON'T DO IT.  Also, don't tell infertile women to relax, if one more person tells me to "just relax," I might lose it.  Infertility is a real and devastating medical condition, relaxing does not cure cancer... Relaxing will not cure my infertility.

I had a follicle study today (transvaginal ultrasound) and I have 2 good follicles on the left side.  I ask you, if you're reading this to please pray that these two follicles will travel down the fallopian tube and be fertilized!  I have shifted my prayers from asking or begging to be pregnant to asking God to please heal my fallopian tubes (we think there is endometrosis present in the tubes).  Sunday is the day!

When I was leaving the doctor's office today, I was frustrated because they didn't schedule the IUI while I was at the office.  There is a lady who usually works in referrals and she schedules the appointments before I leave.  She is out on maternity leave and the person covering her does not do it the same way she does and I can't stand it.  I am a girl who loves routines and order and she does not give me my routine.  I am learning to live with it, I cannot change her.  I got in my car and started going to work, the most perfect song was playing on The Message.  If that wasn't my message today, I don't know if I have ever received a message.

I am finishing up work this week and have so much more to write.  I need to get ya'll caught up!  I will do a better job of handling my anger and writing about this journey so that someday I can lead a small group and say look, I was where you are and this is where I am now.  There are so many wonderful people in my life now and I appreciate each one of them.

Exhausted & big decisions

It has been awhile since I last posted, not that much has happened.  I am tired and when I say tired, like weak in the knees tired!  Everyone around me tells me how I look tired!  I am not sure what it is, but I don't think it is anything that a quick little beach trip can't cure.

I've had yet another failed IUI cycle.  I wasn't that surprised, by the time the IUI actually took place last month, the sample was probably no longer viable.  I should have saved my $250 and just waited until the next month.  I should have another IUI this week, but we'll be out of town so it can't happen.  I find myself at peace with this, maybe the stress of each IUI, coordinating schedules and taking off of work doesn't help.

I need to make a big decision about my job.  I have been presented with an offer that is very appealing but I am not sure I can make the move.  I am comfortable where I am and I know the people I work with and for the most part I love them.  I have troubles with discipline, but maybe I need to just give it up.  I'm not really sure.  I am praying for a clear sign or a any sign for that matter.  Fingers crossed it comes through.

I really hope that next week, I'll ovulate and things will work out naturally.  I won't get my hopes up all that much, but maybe.

Fingers crossed

I'm sitting here waiting for the insemination... 

God, please make it happen. I pray that you would bless the procedure today, let fertilization and implantation occur. Amen.

Here we go again...

I had another doctor's appointment today.  I have one good follicle measuring 20 or 21 (I can't remember) and 2 other follicles that are a good size (16 and 14), but probably won't be the main follicle released. Any follicle over 18mm is mature.  The plan is for IUI on Wednesday morning, time unknown (you know that makes me CRAZY).  Hopefully it will be with my doctor and not one of her partners, but all of that is in God's hands.

I took a 1/2 day, which ended up being a crazy day today.  We had ice last night and the school system decided to delay for 2 hours.  We get to school, it continues to be 32 and then we get released 2 hours early due to inclement weather.  We should have never even gone in.  I really hope there is no school tomorrow and then I'll be off on Wednesday for my IUI.  I could go in after, but sometimes a girl needs to relax.

Please pray that this time IUI works!  It is starting to wear me down.  The frustration of all of the scheduling and the constant not knowing what is going to happen is really trying.  I know that it is not up to me, or on my schedule, but I pray that it is time, that I am ready and this is God's plan.

I have received texts from friends who are praying for me, those texts and messages mean more to me than anything right now.  They are so encouraging and uplifting and always seem to come when I am at my worst.  Fingers crossed Wednesday is the day, oh God, please let this be it.

Infertility makes me...

CRAZY!  Seriously, crazy.  I have never felt so insane in my life!  That being said, I have been put in more situations lately to make me act crazy than ever before.

Thursday was officially day 1 of my cycle, so like most months, I called the office, left a message for the nurse and waited for her to call me back.  I had never talked to the nurse who called me back this time and she was CLUELESS!  Why, tell me why, would I leave a message for you and then have to explain myself all over again?  Just to make me crazy, yes, I thought so.  I first called at 11am, she called me back at 11:30 and then said she would talk to the Dr and call me back, 12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30... you get the point, she never called back.  Friday the office was closed because of the ice storm, so she didn't call me back then either.  I emailed my Dr.

Saturday, my Dr called and emailed to tell me she called the Femara into my usual pharmacy, fast forward to 2:30pm... I go to pick up the Rx and it is not there, they have no record of it being sent in by email because the system is down from the storm.  Don't you think it would send the Dr a message to let her know?  No, it doesn't, why you ask?  TO MAKE ME CRAZY.

So I call the on call service for the doctor, I get to talk to a nurse, who probably isn't nursing anymore for obvious reasons, she sucks at communicating with people.  I tell her my situation, she replies; "well that is not on my protocol orders, so there is nothing I can do for you, you need to tell Walgreens to fix the problem, it is their problem, not mine."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I explain that they can't do anything without an order, she continues to tell me, there is nothing she can or is willing to do, so I just have to wait.  I CAN'T WAIT.  I lost my cool with her, I said "Oh ok, instead of not getting pregnant for 11 months, I won't get pregnant for 12 months, no big deal." I hung up.

My husband urged me to call back, so I did and got a different nurse, who said she'd call the pharmacy and try to get a refill and call me back, 2:30 turns into 3:30, 4:30 no call back.  So I call back get a 3rd nurse.  This nurse finally calls the NP on call to get the Rx and says to call her back if I don't hear from the NP in 30 minutes.  I am patient, so I waited 60 minutes.  At 5:30 no call back, I am getting ready for a dinner and calling every Walgreens in a 30 mile radius to see if 1 they're open, 2 they have power and 3 their automated system is working.  I get to the 24 hour Walgreens because that is who is open after 6pm, and the pharmacist tells me she has a Rx to fill for me and that I can come get it.  WAS ANYONE GOING TO TELL ME THIS?  NO, WHY YOU ASK, TO MAKE ME CRAZY.

My doctor, who is not on call, but who you know is awesome, called me back from her personal cell phone at 6pm after she tried to call the Walgreens that she sent the order into... She called to make sure I was able to get the Femara today.  I apologized for being so crazy, then I told her her answering service sucked and that somehow, someway someone called me a Rx into Walgreens at a different location.  She said just to call her back on her cell phone if it wasn't there and wasn't ready.  So she made me a little less CRAZY, but I am still feeling like a CRAZY person.

To the NP who couldn't call me to tell me she called in the prescription for me- you make me CRAZY and you should reconsider your profession.  If you are going to be a nurse interacting with patients you need to be a kind, caring person.  You need to be selfless, if you cannot be, then get out!

In the end, I got the Rx at 9:30 tonight after the dinner we went to.  I am still CRAZY and probably always will be, at least until I get through all of this infertility crap.  But through the storm I am holding on.

Beyond frustrating.

This whole process has been a bigger struggle than I would have ever imagined.  Today I started spotting, which means that my cycle will start within the next 3 days.  I have tried and tried this entire month to be faithful, now it was all just a let down.  I find it so infuriating, it doesn't help that I am constantly surrounded by insensitive people, pregnancy and babies.  

It is really frustrating to have someone constantly show you maternity clothes, baby things, their pregnant stomach, ultrasound pictures, etc.  I know these people love me and are just excited to share their current life situation with me.  But really, you know I have been struggling with this, why, why, why must you throw it in my face every chance you get?  I know I am being bitter, but I am about to lose it.  

So, today I jumped on Amazon and ordered Fertilaid, Fertile CM and Ovaboost, I am willing to try anything that will help.  I stopped my acupuncture, I wasn't sure if she was interfering with the doctor's plan.  The Fertilaid I purchased is a specialized multivitamin.  I have read multiple reviews of the product and hopefully it will work for me too.  Here is the link: FertilAid.

I think one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing is that when I call the doctors office this week, I am afraid they are going to tell me we'll do the same thing this month for a 3rd time.  SERIOUSLY???!?!  I might flip.  (Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.) I will try to pray on it this week before I call, hopefully she'll say lets try this, or add that or do this.  

Sunday's service was a great service, about The Holy Spirit.  Without the Holy Spirit one cannot be a Christian.  There were three important things from the message: 1- The Holy Spirit brings conviction 2- Holy Spirit brings salvation 3- Holy spirit brings God's presence.  I am forever grateful for the salvation brought upon us by the Holy Spirit.  I am working on conviction, there are many times where sin gets the best of me, I wish I could see it more clearly and ask for forgiveness sooner.  

Prayer requests for this week:

1. Please pray that I will have emotional stability this week, that I will be open to the direction I am to be going.
2. For continued support from my husband
3. For understanding from my close friends
4. For the doctor and may she have guidance in the decisions she makes
5. THAT IT WILL HAPPEN THIS MONTH!  

I love this song, it is played with frequency on The Message and we were singing it at church this week, how fitting for my life right now:

Sunday, after church, I made two delicious quiche for brunch and then finished a wreath project that I had started on Saturday.  I love deco mesh wreaths and wreaths accented with deco mesh, but I am not willing to pay $100 for a wreath or two (I have two front doors).   This is how I made them:

Attach your primary color deco mesh ribbon to the wreath frame with pipe cleaners starting on the inside.

Measure 12 inches, gather the ribbon and attach to the next pipe cleaner.  Continue around inside circle and then outside circle.

Make small ribbon clusters with primary, secondary and ribbon.  fasten with pipe cleaner.

Attach to wrest pipe cleaners to cover.

Add a bow.

Add initial

Finished product.

Lowcountry

We love, love, love to go to the beach.  We are very blessed and my in-laws have a place that they graciously allow us to use all the time!  We got engaged on Fripp and it has many childhood memories for my husband.  For those of you who have never visited, you should... Fripp Island, SC.  Here are some pictures of the island:

We went to a great BBQ festival benefiting the local Hospice Nurses.  I love BBQ, but I would much prefer a brisket over pork.  We tried 7-8 different pork BBQ and had ice cream.  Here are some pictures from Port Royal, SC:

The husband eating ice cream after all of the BBQ pork.

I love all of the huge old trees with spanish moss.

I did not get to go to church this week, I will watch it on the website!  I am thankful that the website sermon is available.  I did check out a broadcast church service that wasn't bad.  It was about when we feel like giving up, we need to trust in God and having the courage to keep going.  This fit right into my current life situation.  I am constantly begging and pleading with God regarding this infertility.  I needed to hear the message to keep going, especially when you feel like giving up.  I would only me giving up on myself and God would never give up on me.

Well this is the long wait to take a pregnancy test.  I could test next Monday, but I will wait at least 2 weeks longer to see if I start my cycle.  I do not want to see another big fat negative, it might just kill me.