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Monday, February 17, 2014

Answered Prayers

So in a panic this morning, I called the OBGYN office at 8am on the dot to try to plan for IUI today.  The office staff were not very hopeful, but my prayers were answered!!!  I am off work this afternoon, we will do a wash and IUI soon! 

Thank you for your support & prayers, I love you all :)

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Sunday :)

Like I said last week and will say forever; I love Sundays!  Today started a little different than usual, I woke up in the guest bed.  No we didn't sleep in separate beds, one of our lovely dogs decided to pee on our bed.

This would be a huge problem, except our waterproof mattress cover was not on because it makes our bed too hot.  We have a memory foam mattress, which soaks up everything like a sponge.  Needless to say, the urine went through the quilt, flat sheet, fitted sheet and mattress cover (non-waterproof) onto the mattress.  After reading about what to do, I decided to put vinegar on the stain last night and set out to Petsmart after church in the morning to buy Nature's Miracle.

No, I wasn't paid my Nature's Miracle, but I will gladly take payment (just kidding).  The pee stain is now gone!  This miracle in a red bottle was only $7 at Petsmart because it was on sale (my lucky day)!  I am happy to have spent $7 to save $3493 for a new mattress!  If you have pets, go out and buy it this week while it is on sale at Petsmart!

Church was great this morning, we were wrapping up our series on Sexual Revolution.  This week, the pastor focused on human trafficking in the US.  It is astounding that we have such a large problem with human trafficking in this country.  Here are my notes from the very captivating service this week:

After church I headed to our favorite local donut store to pick up a dozen of delicious but terrible for you breakfast treats.  I have thoroughly enjoyed 2 donuts this morning :) oink oink!

Last night, I gave myself the Ovidrel shot at 3:30am.  I should ovulate somewhere between 24-36 hours after the shot, which will hopefully time the IUI tomorrow perfectly.  Yes, I am still stressed that I don't have a scheduled time for the procedure and that my husband has 3 cases in the afternoon!  However, 8am is less than 24 hours away so my answer is coming!

Here are my two ovulation strips from yesterday and today.  They're technically negative, since the test line is not exactly the same color as the control test.  Hopefully it will be positive tomorrow or Tuesday.

After my appointment tomorrow, I'll get to talk to the doctor again.  Hopefully she will let me know the plan if we do not succeed this month.  I really hope it is something different, even if its just a small increase on the Femara.  When I was deciding to title this blog, I picked Life, Infertility & Insanity because infertility is insanity.  Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Prayer requests:

  1. Please pray that tomorrow the IUI scheduling Gods will be with me.  That it will work out for Kevin to do his part between his office and OR cases, that I will be able to work a 1/2 day before going to the doctor. 
  2. That this IUI works.  
  3. That I will accept that this is in Gods hands, his timing and that he has a plan.  It might not be my plan, but I know he has prepared me for this struggle and season.  
  4. Pray for my doctor, that she will have a plan, be well rested and blessed.  

Saturday, February 15, 2014

It worked out... I hope

So like I said yesterday, my OBGYN rocks and she managed to get me scheduled for an outpatient ULS today at the Women's hospital.  I went in at 10am this morning to Maternity Admissions how ironic.  I was able to be in and out in 1 hour.  While I waited, the ULS tech called my doctor and I was able to talk to her before I left the hospital.

Moses Cone Women's Hospital
I have one good follicle on my right side, which will hopefully cooperate and be ready to be fertilized.  I think I have a better chance of conception from the right ovary because my left ovary is so superficial.  I am not sure it is lined up with my fallopian tube on the left side.  Last month the mature follicle was in the left ovary.  I still have my one cyst, which may be smaller!!! Today, it was 2.2x1.7x1.7 and I am pretty sure it was 2.4x1.7x1.7 last month.

Before I go to bed tonight, I will give myself the Ovidrel injection, hopefully this $64 (after insurance) shot will work its magic.

The plan is for IUI on Monday, we're not sure what time or where, which is really stressing me out.  I just hope it will work out.  I have to work, so I took the afternoon off, which means I am done at 11:50am.  The doctor said she schedules IUIs at 10, 11, 12, or 1pm.  So I am really pushing for the 1pm when I call first thing on Monday.  From what I remember the clinic in Greensboro that can do the sperm wash only takes sperm on Wednesday but I can't remember for sure and their office message says nothing about their hours.  If you run or work for a Drs office, please, please for the love of God, leave your hours on the message!  PLEASE.

If it doesn't work out with her office, she will try to get me in at the fertility clinic in High Point again.  The bigger issue is my husband is in the OR Monday afternoons and I need his swimmers to have IUI.  Again, all odds are against me having this work out, but I will trust that somehow some way it will work out.  Oh, God please!  I think my personality does not help this situation any, I want answers and I want them now.  I am a planner, I always have been.  I don't like last minute changes or surprises.  I HATE surprises!

Tomorrow is Sunday!  My favorite day of the week...  I am looking forward to church and hoping to find the courage to be added to the prayer list.  I just get feelings of selfishness when I consider asking for prayers.  But, I think it is time.  Whenever I feel like giving up, "Help me find it" comes on the radio and reminds me that I am not in control and I need to trust God.

                                                Sidewalk Prophets Help Me Find It:

I don’t know where to go from here, 
It all used to seem so clear
, I’m finding I can’t do this on my own
I don’t know where to go from here, 
As long as I know that You are near, 
I’m done fighting, 
I’m finally letting go
I will trust in You, 
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You
If there’s a road I should walk
, Help me find it
If I need to be still, 
Give me peace for the moment, 
Whatever Your will
, Whatever Your will
, Can you help me find it, 
Can you help me find it
I’m giving You fear and You give faith
, I giving you doubt
 You give me grace 
For every step I’ve never been alone
Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way 
Even in the valley I will say
 With every breath
You’ve never let me go
I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You
I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

Friday, February 14, 2014

Winter Storm Pax... Happy Valentine's Day

One would think that all of the Northerners moving south would make snowstorms in North Carolina much more bearable... wrong.  Our city has been crippled by Winter storm Pax which started Wednesday afternoon.  I will admit, this is a ton of snow for NC and with the added ice, it is not easy to get out and about.

Why am I writing about this?  Well because of the storm, school was canceled and work was canceled for all teachers.  YES, I thought! Now I don't have to take an afternoon off  to get to my follicle study.  WRONG again, the MDs office is closed today, so no follicle study for me.  The girl who called to tell me that the office was closed couldn't really answer any of my questions, go figure.  I could have cried, will I have wasted an entire month?  A month of dreaded hormones?

I sent a message to my OBGYN to see if she thinks I should trigger this weekend without a follicle study and plan on IUI Monday.  Still waiting to hear back.  I feel a little bad paging the on call Dr to ask these questions, but my husband (a Dr) doesn't think it is unreasonable.  So if I can't get in at the fertility clinic and I don't get a response, I might page the on call physician.  My doctor, the best OBGYN in town called me back from the hospital today and I will go in tomorrow for a follicle study as an outpatient at the women's hospital!  She is awesome, I should get her a gift... any ideas :)

I called the second fertility clinic that I have used and am waiting to hear back from them to see if they will do the follicle study without an order from my OBGYN and even though I am not one of their patients per say.  The odds are not in my favor.  They called back and would do the study with an order and somewhere to send the results.  However, my OBGYN called and was able to work something out!!!  This could be so frustrating, will it be another month of waiting, hormones, shots and FAILURE?  I sure hope not, I am not really sure how much more I can take before I have a mental breakdown.

Here are a few pictures of the snow:
A few cars getting stuck in the middle of the street.

My car parked at the end of the driveway, K was on call yesterday but didn't have to go in.

Across the street

Up the street

Close up of cars stuck in the street

My garden boxes

Our deck
For this reason, I hate you winter storm Pax.  Happy Valentine's Day everyone, except you Pax.  I am happy to not be living up north in all of the snow, but somehow I think if this were happening in Erie, PA, my doctor's office would be open, the streets plowed, and life would be going on as normal.

My fingers are crossed that this will somehow work out this month, yes, THIS MONTH. 

Please God!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Sunday... my favorite day of the week!

Sunday is my favorite day of the week, for a few reasons:

  1. Church, I love going to church and I have found a great place to worship.  You can watch the services for yourself and see why it is just simply amazing!  It really is funny that our topic is Sexual Revolution right now, he preaches about how awesome sex can be and how wonderful it should be.  Sometimes I feel like an animal just trying to procreate.  I'm not really feeling it right now.
  2. Grocery shopping.  I am not much of a shopper, but when it comes to shopping for groceries count me in!  I always shop or order my groceries on Sunday.
  3. A holy day, I was reading the Ten Commandments yesterday in my One Year Bible...  on a side note, if you're not currently reading a bible, may I suggest you head over to Amazon and start reading this very straightforward planed out bible.
  4. Relaxing at home with my husband and three dogs.  If the husband is on call for the weekend, Sunday is the day he goes off.  I really look forward to Sundays on his call weekends, there is an end in sight!
What a great weekend, minus my husband being on call.  Yesterday I went to a kickboxing class for the first time at the gym and I am paying for it today!  It feels great!  I went shopping after my workout and realized a few things... 
  1. Infertility sucks (doesn't really count, I already knew this)
  2. There are babies and children EVERYWHERE I look and I mean EVERYWHERE.
  3. Its getting to the point where I actually cringe when I see a stroller sometimes, or ask God, why are you doing this to me.  When I know he is really not doing anything to me or trying to punish me, but I just feel like he is sometimes.
  4. I cannot go to a baby shower right how.  I was invited to a baby shower and I just cannot handle it.  This is for one of the people who have complained of pregnancy pains on FB.  If only she could imagine how it feels to not get pregnant.
  5. Sometimes I just need to cry, whether it be in the car or in the bathroom, a good cry has been helpful.  I do not like to cry in front of other people about infertility.  Somedays on my way to or from work, something as simple as a song will make me cry.  Like the one posted above.  I can't help but feel like God is sending me a message sometimes.
  6. If you post a pregnancy announcement on FB I will probably remove you from my newsfeed. (just being honest)
  7. Infertility can sometimes be isolating.  Its not that I want to isolate myself from my friends or husband, but really how many people in my life can currently relate to what I am going through.  Sometimes I wish people would ask how it is going, sometimes I wish people would just leave me alone about it.  
  8. I am willing to do/try just about anything, eat pineapple, give up running, drink grape juice, sleep on my back, walk across fire.  WHATEVER IT IS, I WILL TRY IT.
Last night we had dinner with two friends and their 7 month old baby (which did not make me sad).  It was great to have dinner and go out.  We walked into Mellow Mushroom and there were kids everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE!  The wait was 45 minutes so we left and went to a different pizza place in town.  The waitress messed up the order and it was my portion of the meal.  Gah!  It was frustrating, I found myself thinking don't chew her head off it is just food.  I was able to keep calm and carry on, but seriously how does one mess up a pizza order.

So today, I got up early had coffee, went to a great service at church and now I am here relaxing at home.  Today is day 4 of my hormones and I really feel great.  I was worried when I started them for the first time last month about becoming moody, I think they have the opposite affect on me. LOL.  I will also start my herbs today from the acupuncturist.  FIVE more days until my follicle study, and my fingers are crossed for great looking follicles.   

Back to work tomorrow, I miss the 3 day work week I had working in the hospital sometimes, but I would really miss my students if I were not teaching.  I am feeling torn about my job at this point.  I'm not sure where I will be next year, still teaching or back in nursing.  The reality is teaching is far more enjoyable and rewarding, but the hours are longer and the pay is about half.  

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Here we go again...

Second round of hormones and the statistics are not in my favor.  Infertility 1: Renee 0.  For those of you who are not in this journey yourself this is what it looks like:

Day 1:  Call OBGYN office and tell the nurse it is your day 1.  She'll question your knowledge of day 1 even though you're a nurse and know what day 1 is.  She'll explain again to take a pregnancy test before starting Femara, call in the prescriptions and schedule a follicle study.  It just so happens mine is on Valentine's Day, how romantic... NOT.

Day 2:  Un-eventful

Day 3:  Here we go again:  First things first- make sure I'm not pregnant.  Yes I have been having an extremely heavy cycle for the last 2 days, but lets just see that big fat negative.
Pregnancy test negative... yes I already knew this was coming, but it still hurts.

Start the hormones, they don't really give me mood swings, or not that I can tell.  I do get hot flashes, but life could be much much worse.
Femara 2 tablets once daily for 5 days
I really feel a lot better after starting to share my story.  I feel less angry, which could be from spilling my guts on here or from talking to my dear friend Maggie yesterday.  She is not going through the same thing, but her own private struggle.  
It is sometimes hard to be surrounded by people who are pregnant after trying a few times or even once.  Hard to see people complaining of pregnancy pains on Facebook.  Hurts to get baby shower invitations.  I am trying to keep things in perspective and realize that I am not in the worst possible situation, however somedays it feels just like it.

Here is what I have waiting for me in the refrigerator, right next to the butter.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Where do I start?

I have always wanted to blog, but never really felt like I had anything to blog about.  Finally, something interesting!  Do all things interesting enough to blog about suck or include cute children?  If blogs are not about some terrible medical condition or diagnosis, they are about cute young kids.  You guessed it, I don't have children so I must have some crappy medical diagnosis.

Infertility, something that has always been in the back of my mind, but something I never thought I'd struggle with.  As I try not to become a bitter bitch about my struggle with infertility I need an outlet and someone to listen.  I do not need someone to offer advice or sympathy.  Maybe a little Prozac will help too.

I was born to be a mother, it has been in my heart since I was young.  I had a plan, the perfect plan or so I thought.  I would be married, working and have 3 children by the time I turned 30.  God laughed at that plan and now I am struggling to live with his plan.  I do have a great husband and a wonderful job.  I go to church and have a strong holy testament.  I am just missing one part, one piece that seems to be all around me, when will I get my turn?

The diagnosis is still in the works, one thing I know for sure is that I do not ovulate regularly on my own.  We started our journey last April, I was foolish in thinking it would only take up to 3 months to conceive.  I was so excited to finally be at this point in my life, everything seemed to be falling into place.

Here is my story:  Stopped birth control in January.  April nothing, May positive ovulation test, June nothing, (started acupuncture), July 56 day cycle, September OBGYN appointment.  Lab results; low or poor quality ovulation, good ovarian reserve, no thyroid issues.  October lab results; low quality ovulation.  November ultrasound & hysterosalpingogram scheduled; once blood filled cyst right ovary, fallopian tubes intact and free of obstructions.  Fertility treatments on hold due to cyst.  December ultrasound; blood filled cyst remains same size.

Treatment started January 7, 2014.  Femara, ultrasound, trigger shot and IUI January 19, 2014.  IUI #1: failed.  What a disappointment, statistics show that the first IUI is not really successful, but my heart breaks every time I realize it is going to be another month.

Second round of treatment starts February 6, 2014, ultrasound scheduled for February 14th.