Prayer Warriors

Are you a prayer warrior?  Have you ever stepped up to be a prayer warrior for anyone?  I have several prayer warriors and they are the ones who get me though the pain of this infertility.  Simple text messages, emails, phone calls or conversations with these prayer warriors always put my heart at ease.

It is a crazy thing, most of the people who are faithfully praying for me have so much going on in their own lives to pray about yet they all take the time to pray for me.  We all have so much going on and life gets busy, but take the time to pray for someone and let them know.  It does great things for the soul.

I am so thankful for my prayer warriors, I love you all and can not get through this without you!

My messages...

My message today:

Like I said in my last post, not silent!  I head to Vegas tomorrow, maybe I'll get a post up on the plane :)  If not look for a big picture dump on Sunday or Monday next week.  I start my teaching licensure class next Monday and will be finished July 25th, I can't wait.

God is not silent.

I'm sitting in the waiting room for my insemination this morning... I'm the only one here! 

I turned the tv on and was headed for the news when I came across Joel Osteen on the tv.  I stopped to watch because I won't make it to church this morning... I'll have to watch the Daystar service when it is up online. 

Anyway long story short the sermon was about having faith and trusting God. The first words I heard were "believe in your blessings, believe that there is a child headed your way.  That baby you want so badly is headed your way." He spoke of Psalms 113: 

So through my struggles I must believe in my blessings and believe that I will receive my blessings because I remain faithful. The Lord made his promises and I am ready to receive! Amen!

Living life...

Sorry for the short hiatus, I am back.  I was getting to a very ugly spot in my journey, a place where I found it difficult to be nice and where I was so ANGRY.  Angry with myself, my body, everyone and everything around me.  I decided not to write during this fit of anger because I didn't want to hurt anyone that I love.  I honestly think through prayer and the support of a new infertility small group I was able to get back in control of my anger.  I don't think I'm done being angry, but I have a better handle on it.

So, what have we been up to over the past few months... some traveling and finishing out the school year.  We went to The Greenbrier last weekend, my husband had a conference to go to and I was able to go and just relax!

We got there Thursday and had a wonderful dinner followed by this amazing banana split!

Friday morning we went to the Gun Club, my husband loves to shoot sporting clays and has made this a tradition.  I was able to join, but I did not shoot.  Having that much power in my hands is really frightening.  I had a great time hanging out with my husband and father-in-law that morning before their conference.

During their conference, I went to the pool for the day, followed by afternoon tea and a second amazing  dinner.  The Greenbrier really does know how to do food!

On Saturday, I was able to spend the entire morning and some of the afternoon at the spa.  I really am one lucky girl!  I had a massage followed by a facial all while being pampered by the awesome staff! You check in before your appointment, sit in a "relaxing" room and then go back for your treatments. After your treatments (or between) you can use the steam shower or sauna, it is so wonderful!  Here are some pictures from the relaxation room.

Okay, back to the issue at hand. Infertility.  Let me offer some advice to anyone out there who may be reading this and not going through infertility.  NEVER, EVER, EVER ask a woman when or if she is going to have a baby or another baby.  JUST DON'T DO IT.  Also, don't tell infertile women to relax, if one more person tells me to "just relax," I might lose it.  Infertility is a real and devastating medical condition, relaxing does not cure cancer... Relaxing will not cure my infertility.

I had a follicle study today (transvaginal ultrasound) and I have 2 good follicles on the left side.  I ask you, if you're reading this to please pray that these two follicles will travel down the fallopian tube and be fertilized!  I have shifted my prayers from asking or begging to be pregnant to asking God to please heal my fallopian tubes (we think there is endometrosis present in the tubes).  Sunday is the day!

When I was leaving the doctor's office today, I was frustrated because they didn't schedule the IUI while I was at the office.  There is a lady who usually works in referrals and she schedules the appointments before I leave.  She is out on maternity leave and the person covering her does not do it the same way she does and I can't stand it.  I am a girl who loves routines and order and she does not give me my routine.  I am learning to live with it, I cannot change her.  I got in my car and started going to work, the most perfect song was playing on The Message.  If that wasn't my message today, I don't know if I have ever received a message.

I am finishing up work this week and have so much more to write.  I need to get ya'll caught up!  I will do a better job of handling my anger and writing about this journey so that someday I can lead a small group and say look, I was where you are and this is where I am now.  There are so many wonderful people in my life now and I appreciate each one of them.

Exhausted & big decisions

It has been awhile since I last posted, not that much has happened.  I am tired and when I say tired, like weak in the knees tired!  Everyone around me tells me how I look tired!  I am not sure what it is, but I don't think it is anything that a quick little beach trip can't cure.

I've had yet another failed IUI cycle.  I wasn't that surprised, by the time the IUI actually took place last month, the sample was probably no longer viable.  I should have saved my $250 and just waited until the next month.  I should have another IUI this week, but we'll be out of town so it can't happen.  I find myself at peace with this, maybe the stress of each IUI, coordinating schedules and taking off of work doesn't help.

I need to make a big decision about my job.  I have been presented with an offer that is very appealing but I am not sure I can make the move.  I am comfortable where I am and I know the people I work with and for the most part I love them.  I have troubles with discipline, but maybe I need to just give it up.  I'm not really sure.  I am praying for a clear sign or a any sign for that matter.  Fingers crossed it comes through.

I really hope that next week, I'll ovulate and things will work out naturally.  I won't get my hopes up all that much, but maybe.

Fingers crossed

I'm sitting here waiting for the insemination... 

God, please make it happen. I pray that you would bless the procedure today, let fertilization and implantation occur. Amen.

Here we go again...

I had another doctor's appointment today.  I have one good follicle measuring 20 or 21 (I can't remember) and 2 other follicles that are a good size (16 and 14), but probably won't be the main follicle released. Any follicle over 18mm is mature.  The plan is for IUI on Wednesday morning, time unknown (you know that makes me CRAZY).  Hopefully it will be with my doctor and not one of her partners, but all of that is in God's hands.

I took a 1/2 day, which ended up being a crazy day today.  We had ice last night and the school system decided to delay for 2 hours.  We get to school, it continues to be 32 and then we get released 2 hours early due to inclement weather.  We should have never even gone in.  I really hope there is no school tomorrow and then I'll be off on Wednesday for my IUI.  I could go in after, but sometimes a girl needs to relax.

Please pray that this time IUI works!  It is starting to wear me down.  The frustration of all of the scheduling and the constant not knowing what is going to happen is really trying.  I know that it is not up to me, or on my schedule, but I pray that it is time, that I am ready and this is God's plan.

I have received texts from friends who are praying for me, those texts and messages mean more to me than anything right now.  They are so encouraging and uplifting and always seem to come when I am at my worst.  Fingers crossed Wednesday is the day, oh God, please let this be it.

Infertility makes me...

CRAZY!  Seriously, crazy.  I have never felt so insane in my life!  That being said, I have been put in more situations lately to make me act crazy than ever before.

Thursday was officially day 1 of my cycle, so like most months, I called the office, left a message for the nurse and waited for her to call me back.  I had never talked to the nurse who called me back this time and she was CLUELESS!  Why, tell me why, would I leave a message for you and then have to explain myself all over again?  Just to make me crazy, yes, I thought so.  I first called at 11am, she called me back at 11:30 and then said she would talk to the Dr and call me back, 12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30... you get the point, she never called back.  Friday the office was closed because of the ice storm, so she didn't call me back then either.  I emailed my Dr.

Saturday, my Dr called and emailed to tell me she called the Femara into my usual pharmacy, fast forward to 2:30pm... I go to pick up the Rx and it is not there, they have no record of it being sent in by email because the system is down from the storm.  Don't you think it would send the Dr a message to let her know?  No, it doesn't, why you ask?  TO MAKE ME CRAZY.

So I call the on call service for the doctor, I get to talk to a nurse, who probably isn't nursing anymore for obvious reasons, she sucks at communicating with people.  I tell her my situation, she replies; "well that is not on my protocol orders, so there is nothing I can do for you, you need to tell Walgreens to fix the problem, it is their problem, not mine."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I explain that they can't do anything without an order, she continues to tell me, there is nothing she can or is willing to do, so I just have to wait.  I CAN'T WAIT.  I lost my cool with her, I said "Oh ok, instead of not getting pregnant for 11 months, I won't get pregnant for 12 months, no big deal." I hung up.

My husband urged me to call back, so I did and got a different nurse, who said she'd call the pharmacy and try to get a refill and call me back, 2:30 turns into 3:30, 4:30 no call back.  So I call back get a 3rd nurse.  This nurse finally calls the NP on call to get the Rx and says to call her back if I don't hear from the NP in 30 minutes.  I am patient, so I waited 60 minutes.  At 5:30 no call back, I am getting ready for a dinner and calling every Walgreens in a 30 mile radius to see if 1 they're open, 2 they have power and 3 their automated system is working.  I get to the 24 hour Walgreens because that is who is open after 6pm, and the pharmacist tells me she has a Rx to fill for me and that I can come get it.  WAS ANYONE GOING TO TELL ME THIS?  NO, WHY YOU ASK, TO MAKE ME CRAZY.

My doctor, who is not on call, but who you know is awesome, called me back from her personal cell phone at 6pm after she tried to call the Walgreens that she sent the order into... She called to make sure I was able to get the Femara today.  I apologized for being so crazy, then I told her her answering service sucked and that somehow, someway someone called me a Rx into Walgreens at a different location.  She said just to call her back on her cell phone if it wasn't there and wasn't ready.  So she made me a little less CRAZY, but I am still feeling like a CRAZY person.

To the NP who couldn't call me to tell me she called in the prescription for me- you make me CRAZY and you should reconsider your profession.  If you are going to be a nurse interacting with patients you need to be a kind, caring person.  You need to be selfless, if you cannot be, then get out!

In the end, I got the Rx at 9:30 tonight after the dinner we went to.  I am still CRAZY and probably always will be, at least until I get through all of this infertility crap.  But through the storm I am holding on.

Beyond frustrating.

This whole process has been a bigger struggle than I would have ever imagined.  Today I started spotting, which means that my cycle will start within the next 3 days.  I have tried and tried this entire month to be faithful, now it was all just a let down.  I find it so infuriating, it doesn't help that I am constantly surrounded by insensitive people, pregnancy and babies.  

It is really frustrating to have someone constantly show you maternity clothes, baby things, their pregnant stomach, ultrasound pictures, etc.  I know these people love me and are just excited to share their current life situation with me.  But really, you know I have been struggling with this, why, why, why must you throw it in my face every chance you get?  I know I am being bitter, but I am about to lose it.  

So, today I jumped on Amazon and ordered Fertilaid, Fertile CM and Ovaboost, I am willing to try anything that will help.  I stopped my acupuncture, I wasn't sure if she was interfering with the doctor's plan.  The Fertilaid I purchased is a specialized multivitamin.  I have read multiple reviews of the product and hopefully it will work for me too.  Here is the link: FertilAid.

I think one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing is that when I call the doctors office this week, I am afraid they are going to tell me we'll do the same thing this month for a 3rd time.  SERIOUSLY???!?!  I might flip.  (Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.) I will try to pray on it this week before I call, hopefully she'll say lets try this, or add that or do this.  

Sunday's service was a great service, about The Holy Spirit.  Without the Holy Spirit one cannot be a Christian.  There were three important things from the message: 1- The Holy Spirit brings conviction 2- Holy Spirit brings salvation 3- Holy spirit brings God's presence.  I am forever grateful for the salvation brought upon us by the Holy Spirit.  I am working on conviction, there are many times where sin gets the best of me, I wish I could see it more clearly and ask for forgiveness sooner.  

Prayer requests for this week:

1. Please pray that I will have emotional stability this week, that I will be open to the direction I am to be going.
2. For continued support from my husband
3. For understanding from my close friends
4. For the doctor and may she have guidance in the decisions she makes
5. THAT IT WILL HAPPEN THIS MONTH!  

I love this song, it is played with frequency on The Message and we were singing it at church this week, how fitting for my life right now:

Sunday, after church, I made two delicious quiche for brunch and then finished a wreath project that I had started on Saturday.  I love deco mesh wreaths and wreaths accented with deco mesh, but I am not willing to pay $100 for a wreath or two (I have two front doors).   This is how I made them:

Attach your primary color deco mesh ribbon to the wreath frame with pipe cleaners starting on the inside.

Measure 12 inches, gather the ribbon and attach to the next pipe cleaner.  Continue around inside circle and then outside circle.

Make small ribbon clusters with primary, secondary and ribbon.  fasten with pipe cleaner.

Attach to wrest pipe cleaners to cover.

Add a bow.

Add initial

Finished product.

Lowcountry

We love, love, love to go to the beach.  We are very blessed and my in-laws have a place that they graciously allow us to use all the time!  We got engaged on Fripp and it has many childhood memories for my husband.  For those of you who have never visited, you should... Fripp Island, SC.  Here are some pictures of the island:

We went to a great BBQ festival benefiting the local Hospice Nurses.  I love BBQ, but I would much prefer a brisket over pork.  We tried 7-8 different pork BBQ and had ice cream.  Here are some pictures from Port Royal, SC:

The husband eating ice cream after all of the BBQ pork.

I love all of the huge old trees with spanish moss.

I did not get to go to church this week, I will watch it on the website!  I am thankful that the website sermon is available.  I did check out a broadcast church service that wasn't bad.  It was about when we feel like giving up, we need to trust in God and having the courage to keep going.  This fit right into my current life situation.  I am constantly begging and pleading with God regarding this infertility.  I needed to hear the message to keep going, especially when you feel like giving up.  I would only me giving up on myself and God would never give up on me.

Well this is the long wait to take a pregnancy test.  I could test next Monday, but I will wait at least 2 weeks longer to see if I start my cycle.  I do not want to see another big fat negative, it might just kill me.

Answered Prayers

So in a panic this morning, I called the OBGYN office at 8am on the dot to try to plan for IUI today.  The office staff were not very hopeful, but my prayers were answered!!!  I am off work this afternoon, we will do a wash and IUI soon! 

Thank you for your support & prayers, I love you all :)

Sunday :)

Like I said last week and will say forever; I love Sundays!  Today started a little different than usual, I woke up in the guest bed.  No we didn't sleep in separate beds, one of our lovely dogs decided to pee on our bed.

This would be a huge problem, except our waterproof mattress cover was not on because it makes our bed too hot.  We have a memory foam mattress, which soaks up everything like a sponge.  Needless to say, the urine went through the quilt, flat sheet, fitted sheet and mattress cover (non-waterproof) onto the mattress.  After reading about what to do, I decided to put vinegar on the stain last night and set out to Petsmart after church in the morning to buy Nature's Miracle.

No, I wasn't paid my Nature's Miracle, but I will gladly take payment (just kidding).  The pee stain is now gone!  This miracle in a red bottle was only $7 at Petsmart because it was on sale (my lucky day)!  I am happy to have spent $7 to save $3493 for a new mattress!  If you have pets, go out and buy it this week while it is on sale at Petsmart!

Church was great this morning, we were wrapping up our series on Sexual Revolution.  This week, the pastor focused on human trafficking in the US.  It is astounding that we have such a large problem with human trafficking in this country.  Here are my notes from the very captivating service this week:

After church I headed to our favorite local donut store to pick up a dozen of delicious but terrible for you breakfast treats.  I have thoroughly enjoyed 2 donuts this morning :) oink oink!

Last night, I gave myself the Ovidrel shot at 3:30am.  I should ovulate somewhere between 24-36 hours after the shot, which will hopefully time the IUI tomorrow perfectly.  Yes, I am still stressed that I don't have a scheduled time for the procedure and that my husband has 3 cases in the afternoon!  However, 8am is less than 24 hours away so my answer is coming!

Here are my two ovulation strips from yesterday and today.  They're technically negative, since the test line is not exactly the same color as the control test.  Hopefully it will be positive tomorrow or Tuesday.

After my appointment tomorrow, I'll get to talk to the doctor again.  Hopefully she will let me know the plan if we do not succeed this month.  I really hope it is something different, even if its just a small increase on the Femara.  When I was deciding to title this blog, I picked Life, Infertility & Insanity because infertility is insanity.  Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.


Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that tomorrow the IUI scheduling Gods will be with me.  That it will work out for Kevin to do his part between his office and OR cases, that I will be able to work a 1/2 day before going to the doctor. 
2. That this IUI works.  
3. That I will accept that this is in Gods hands, his timing and that he has a plan.  It might not be my plan, but I know he has prepared me for this struggle and season.  
4. Pray for my doctor, that she will have a plan, be well rested and blessed.  
   
   
   

It worked out... I hope

So like I said yesterday, my OBGYN rocks and she managed to get me scheduled for an outpatient ULS today at the Women's hospital.  I went in at 10am this morning to Maternity Admissions how ironic.  I was able to be in and out in 1 hour.  While I waited, the ULS tech called my doctor and I was able to talk to her before I left the hospital.

Moses Cone Women's Hospital

I have one good follicle on my right side, which will hopefully cooperate and be ready to be fertilized.  I think I have a better chance of conception from the right ovary because my left ovary is so superficial.  I am not sure it is lined up with my fallopian tube on the left side.  Last month the mature follicle was in the left ovary.  I still have my one cyst, which may be smaller!!! Today, it was 2.2x1.7x1.7 and I am pretty sure it was 2.4x1.7x1.7 last month.

Before I go to bed tonight, I will give myself the Ovidrel injection, hopefully this $64 (after insurance) shot will work its magic.

The plan is for IUI on Monday, we're not sure what time or where, which is really stressing me out.  I just hope it will work out.  I have to work, so I took the afternoon off, which means I am done at 11:50am.  The doctor said she schedules IUIs at 10, 11, 12, or 1pm.  So I am really pushing for the 1pm when I call first thing on Monday.  From what I remember the clinic in Greensboro that can do the sperm wash only takes sperm on Wednesday but I can't remember for sure and their office message says nothing about their hours.  If you run or work for a Drs office, please, please for the love of God, leave your hours on the message!  PLEASE.

If it doesn't work out with her office, she will try to get me in at the fertility clinic in High Point again.  The bigger issue is my husband is in the OR Monday afternoons and I need his swimmers to have IUI.  Again, all odds are against me having this work out, but I will trust that somehow some way it will work out.  Oh, God please!  I think my personality does not help this situation any, I want answers and I want them now.  I am a planner, I always have been.  I don't like last minute changes or surprises.  I HATE surprises!

Tomorrow is Sunday!  My favorite day of the week...  I am looking forward to church and hoping to find the courage to be added to the prayer list.  I just get feelings of selfishness when I consider asking for prayers.  But, I think it is time.  Whenever I feel like giving up, "Help me find it" comes on the radio and reminds me that I am not in control and I need to trust God.

                                                Sidewalk Prophets Help Me Find It:

I don’t know where to go from here, 
It all used to seem so clear
, I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here, 
As long as I know that You are near, 
I’m done fighting, 
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You, 
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

Chorus: 
If there’s a road I should walk
, Help me find it
If I need to be still, 
Give me peace for the moment, 
Whatever Your will
, Whatever Your will
, Can you help me find it, 
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
, I giving you doubt
 You give me grace 
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way 
Even in the valley I will say
 With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

Chorus

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

Chorus

Winter Storm Pax... Happy Valentine's Day

One would think that all of the Northerners moving south would make snowstorms in North Carolina much more bearable... wrong.  Our city has been crippled by Winter storm Pax which started Wednesday afternoon.  I will admit, this is a ton of snow for NC and with the added ice, it is not easy to get out and about.

Why am I writing about this?  Well because of the storm, school was canceled and work was canceled for all teachers.  YES, I thought! Now I don't have to take an afternoon off  to get to my follicle study.  WRONG again, the MDs office is closed today, so no follicle study for me.  The girl who called to tell me that the office was closed couldn't really answer any of my questions, go figure.  I could have cried, will I have wasted an entire month?  A month of dreaded hormones?

I sent a message to my OBGYN to see if she thinks I should trigger this weekend without a follicle study and plan on IUI Monday.  Still waiting to hear back.  I feel a little bad paging the on call Dr to ask these questions, but my husband (a Dr) doesn't think it is unreasonable.  So if I can't get in at the fertility clinic and I don't get a response, I might page the on call physician.  My doctor, the best OBGYN in town called me back from the hospital today and I will go in tomorrow for a follicle study as an outpatient at the women's hospital!  She is awesome, I should get her a gift... any ideas :)

I called the second fertility clinic that I have used and am waiting to hear back from them to see if they will do the follicle study without an order from my OBGYN and even though I am not one of their patients per say.  The odds are not in my favor.  They called back and would do the study with an order and somewhere to send the results.  However, my OBGYN called and was able to work something out!!!  This could be so frustrating, will it be another month of waiting, hormones, shots and FAILURE?  I sure hope not, I am not really sure how much more I can take before I have a mental breakdown.

Here are a few pictures of the snow:

A few cars getting stuck in the middle of the street.

My car parked at the end of the driveway, K was on call yesterday but didn't have to go in.

Across the street

Up the street

Close up of cars stuck in the street

My garden boxes

Our deck

For this reason, I hate you winter storm Pax.  Happy Valentine's Day everyone, except you Pax.  I am happy to not be living up north in all of the snow, but somehow I think if this were happening in Erie, PA, my doctor's office would be open, the streets plowed, and life would be going on as normal.

My fingers are crossed that this will somehow work out this month, yes, THIS MONTH. 

Please God!